PofunaI keep telling myself I should. Who made these rules?
“I should always stay calm.” “I must never disappoint anyone.” Some expectations guide us; others leave no room for mistakes or rest. Looking at rigid shoulds in CBT can help separate what matters to you from the conditions you place on yourself.
Pofuna editorial team · Published:
General educational content prepared with AI assistance; not reviewed by a clinician. It is not a personal assessment, diagnosis or treatment recommendation. Editorial policy →
What is the rule trying to protect?
An expectation may come from care, responsibility or wanting acceptance. “I want to do good work” is different from “I must never make a mistake.” One gives direction; the other can turn an ordinary error into a judgment about your worth. A rule can have good intentions and still cost too much.
Centre for Clinical Interventions — Unhelpful Thinking Styles (PDF) ↗
A fictional example: replying immediately
Morgan feels like a bad friend whenever a message goes unanswered for a while. Work and rest, however, also need space. “My friends matter to me, and I can reply when I’m available” preserves the value of friendship while loosening the demand for constant availability. Emergencies and specific promises need their own consideration.
Try a more flexible sentence
Start with, “I would like to do this, but I may not manage it in every circumstance.” Then consider time, energy and other responsibilities. Would you impose the same rule on someone you care about? If not, be curious about the difference rather than turning it into another reason for self-criticism.
Keep the value, reconsider the condition
Flexibility does not mean abandoning safety, other people’s rights or commitments. The question is whether honouring a value requires perfection. Pick one should sentence and write a workable alternative for today. This example is fictional and does not assess your personal circumstances.
Sources and further reading
These sources are in English. Pofuna prepared the explanation and fictional examples independently; the organisations do not endorse this article.